My Self Love Journey

This story is going to be very personal and raw. I think to start this story, you should know where my starting point was. Whenever I would look in the mirror, I would be so grossed out. I really just wanted to cut all of my fat off. I was gaining new stretch marks from gaining weight. I felt like anyone that looked at me, was silently laughing at me. I just kept eating my feelings and drinking just about every night. I wasn’t in a good place mentally whenever I thought about myself. Whenever I would take pictures, I would position my body in different ways where I looked smaller. I knew the right angles.

I am going to share my road to recovery now. I started working out at the beginning of the year because of all of the motivation all around. Everyone was going to the gym and getting their new body. I loved all of the positivity and thought why not. I can do it a bit. I absolutely hated it! I hated how big I looked in tight fitting fitness clothes. I hated how when I jumped my fat would jiggle everywhere. I hated when I would do a push up, I had to push so much weight up. I could only do a few at a time. I would yell and cuss the entire time. I normally ended my workouts crying. I was just so discussed with myself. I kept doing it everyday though. I would change what I would do a lot, just because I hated it so much. I hated being so sore but still looking so fat. I so many transformation pictures that were only like two months apart and such a big difference. I was so upset because I did not have those kinds of results. I felt like it wasn’t fair. I knew how hard I was working out, why didn’t I have those results too? Every body is different! We all react to things differently!

In March, I decided to give up my addiction, Pepsi. I didn’t think I could do that. It was something that just made me so happy. I loved the way it felt in my mouth. But I was seriously so addicted. I decided to wait two months before having another drink of soda. It sucked. I seriously could only think about it. I was counting down the days until I could reward myself with the sweet, sugary taste of soda. When I finally made it to the two months mark, I got a huge 32 oz soda. I deserved it after going so long without it. I had such a huge smile getting it. Once I took the first sip, I was so disappointed. How could the bubbly feeling of it in your mouth, just not feel good anymore? I tried it a little more and my stomach started to ache! I suddenly did not like it anymore. I couldn’t finish it. I haven’t hf tge urge to drink it since. I used to just get so happy seeing the label. I have to admit, it sucks not liking soda when you are in a social setting. There’s almost always soda available. When you eat out, tea is pretty much the only thing available besides water. I do get bored of water after awhile. I personally go for zero calorie Gatorade now. I like how the zero calorie Gatorades taste now better than the normal ones.

Around May, I finally found a workout that I didn’t just hate. I started dancing. It was actually fun! I started to get a bit crazy and would do like two to three 30 minute sessions a day. I was constantly only thinking about working out. I was trying so fast to be able to look good in shorts. I ordered some shorts in a size eight! That was by far the biggest size I ever worn. I was so scared they’d be too tight though like all of my other clothes. They were tight on me, but I was able to wear them. I started going on walks more. I actually didn’t feel so disgusted anymore when I would look at myself. Yes I was wearing the biggest clothes I ever had, but I was starting to not feel so miserable. I was just so tried of hating myself, that I decided to not. It was just overnight. The switch flipped soon after buying those shorts. I started to lay off on doing multiple workouts but I did go on walks often. I was actually excited for pool days. I was excited to get a swimsuit that fit me. I was starting to see upper ab definition. I was just actually really happy. I started taking pictures of my progress. I was suddenly really proud of myself.

During June, I started boxing. I feel in love with it. I never knew how to even punch. I really loved the way it made me feel. I felt like I could conquer the world. It was way more of an intense workout. I was so exhausted. But I felt good. I am still switching between boxing and dancing as my form if exercise. I am working out Monday through Friday for thirty minutes a day. I have done this since January now. I am finally feeling so confident. I have finally started to get too small for my clothes. I was actually sad to get rid of them. I felt like I shouldn’t because what if I gain weight again. I decided to send everything that didn’t make me feel comfortable to Thred Up. They only pay me a little bit of money for it all, but I don’t have to do any of the work. People are starting to notice that I am confident just by looking at me. I seriously get so excited. It wasn’t just in my head. I was actually starting to lose weight!

In between all of this, I became closer to Jesus. My relationship with him gets stronger each and each day. I pray a lot and read the Bible more. I surround myself with other Christians as well. I really feel likr having Jesus by my side is having me be happier too. I feel like with his love, I am able to love myself easier.

That is where I am now. I went from a size large to a size small. I feel so confident now. I am so happy for the amazing women online that have been cheering me on since day one. I didn’t go working out to be skinny. That isn’t even the body shape I aiming to get. Just because someone works out, doesn’t mean it is because they want to be skinny. I want to be healthy and strong. I really think finding a good form of exercise helped me a lot. It shouldn’t be a miserable experience. There’s so many different types of exercise for a reason. Don’t give up. If you need someone to talk to, I’m always available. Every body is a good body. The number on the scale doesn’t define your self worth. Just start liking one thing about yourself. Just start there. You don’t have to love everything. Just accept your flaws. We all have them. I have stretch marks from gaining muscle now. I still have cellulite. I still have areas that should be more toned. But this is my body. This what how I look and I just have to accept it. I am so much happier now.

8 thoughts on “My Self Love Journey

  1. Suzene risebrough October 20, 2019 — 4:08 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this vulnerable side Paige. I’m so proud of you and how far you’ve come and accomplished in your health & fitness journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

      Like

  2. Omg Paige you are an amazing person, mom and I’m glad to call you my friend. I’ve been watching your transformation and got to know you and a bit of what you were going through. I’m so proud of who you are and who you have become. I personally thought you were awesome then but I’m glad you can see what I’ve always seen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“it really means a lot to me. I’m so lucky to have you there cheering me on.

      Like

  3. Oh hun, you’re doing so amazing! This is so inspiring and you’re absolutely a wonderful woman. Way to go lovely.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

      Like

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